A Whisper Of The Lessons That Envelop An Empty Mind
AN ESSAY BY
MEG AMY
My life changed when I began to explore the importance of self-conversations. Because it was here, within the lines of the words that I spoke to myself, that I really began to listen. Not just to the endless narration of thoughts keeping company in my mind, but to the whispers of my soul, the words beneath the layers of the world around me. And it was here, that I began to understand who I really was, that there was a voice within me. A voice that wanted to be heard.
So I sat with myself. I sat with myself and listened to what this voice had to say. And it began a conversation I desperately needed. It began this conversation.
For a long time, my creativity had escaped me. Time was ticking by and I was sitting still. The world around me was waiting. Months between creating, sporadic bursts of motivation and writing, long silences… I was collapsing under the weight of the past few years.
My time throughout this journey compromised a cycle of contrast. Moments of unforgettable highs, paralleled by ego-shattering blows. I knew I had to be patient. I knew the right time would come for me to return to my creativity. And now I feel ready, consumed with a desire to leap. I’ve been on a soul dive, and it’s been stirring up every part of my existence. But I am learning that nothing in life requires an explanation. That it’s okay if I change my mind. That it’s okay if I get a little lost inside myself. If I change, it’s okay. Growth is necessary. This space is a channel for my creativity, ebbing and flowing as I do, but it isn’t a reflection of who I am at my core. Nothing I create could ever encompass such entirety. Existence is messy. I’m figuring it out one day at a time.
We all have battles we’re slaying inside, unspoken fears that etch away at our happiness. So I am fighting the guilt that’s festering inside of me, asking me to explain myself as if this life isn’t only mine to live. I’m fighting it with trust that my inner knowing is propelling me forward, trust that I am in control and trust that this life is actually mine to live. And I am tired of letting fear rule that life, my expression, and the direction I take — so I’m cutting the ties.
So many inner wounds that I thought I had healed have resurfaced this past year. Each one bringing me home to the truth that there is still so much for me to learn on this journey. Still so much to discover, heal, grow with, and develop. My hunger for this growth has overwhelmed me at times, throwing me further off track than before. But I’ve learnt that sometimes we spiral into these past patterns so that the lessons can sink in even further.
The deeper I dive into committing to this journey of inner understanding and taking full responsibility for every aspect of my current reality, the wilder this trip becomes. Everything in life happens at once, and there is nowhere to hide from it. But that’s the beauty of it all. It’s important to release attachment to how you feel things should be, and realise that evolution can take many different shapes. We have to accept the way things are, with unconditional awareness. We have to take care of our inner world and give ourselves the nourishment it craves. We have to remember that it’s okay to tune out for a little while, to immerse yourself in solitude and bask in all of the lessons it brings.
For the last few years, I feel like I’ve been caught in an endless cycle of destruction and rebirth. Forgetting along the way how necessary each cycle is. This past year I felt my inner child crying out again for silence, reminding me of all the healing medicine that solitude brings. A whisper of the lessons that envelop an empty mind. A search for freedom and inner peace and the change that acts as a catalyst when you find the courage to surrender to the ever-unfolding shifts. I found that niggling sense of a need to release control becoming louder with each breath, a reminder that we don’t have to have it all figured out right now, and we probably never will. But as we stumble blindly forward through the uncertainty, we are exactly where we are meant to be.
With these shifts, I have had no choice but to let my mind melt into the natural ebbs and flows of my expanding existence, releasing attachment to all outcomes, expectations, and external pressures. I am unearthing a deeper sense of trust within myself, far deeper than any I have ever known. Often, following your intuition doesn’t make logical sense to our minds. But it is important to leap anyway. To trust yourself and open your wings.
The child in me was always an over-dreamer, wanting to do and be everything, to see and explore everything. Never able to narrow down my scope. For years I carried this as a burden, feeling as though not knowing implies a weakness within. I’ve felt lost, purposeless, and confused. My heart always daring me to be fearless, my mind begging me to hold on a little longer. These past few months have released a lot of trauma from deep inner wounds I didn’t know I had, a powerful surge of contrast to the times when I felt as though I had finally found my own path. But this inner fire that has been waging a war in my mind, has led to insurmountable amounts of growth, gratitude, and exploration within. I am only just starting to heal the wounds that have been holding me back, aching to be released. My inner child is screaming for her freedom. And now I know with no uncertainty that my limitless scope and wild fantasies of a future full of everything are simply a part of the cosmic beauty engrained into my soul. Not a burden, but a gift full of infinite potential.
I am learning that I am here to understand myself, not to be understood. I am learning to evolve without apologising. I am learning that change is a symptom of growth. I am learning to embrace the ebbs and flows of life, for the natural state that they’re meant to be. This life is wild, and I am only now realising it’s important to enjoy the ride for everything that it takes you on.
I am learning not to let fear control my life. And I am uncovering all of the past pain I have caused myself by doing exactly that. All of the times over the past years that I let doubt creep into my mind because I was too scared to let go. I never used to be someone that could let doubt slip out of my mouth because I set my own limitations. I knew if I succumbed to doubt, I was succumbing to the possibility that I didn’t have what it takes. But these past few years I let doubt filter into my life, poisoning my spirit and taking away my potential because I was so scared of the fragility of my health. But I’ve realised that being human is okay and that emotional nature is a gift. And I can let go at any moment of the anchor that ties me to that fear.
Life can shift completely at any moment and that is our only constant. So it’s important to evolve with it, with fluidity and trust that everything is unfolding exactly how it is supposed to be. And while I listened to the whispers, I began to plant wildflowers in my mind, making myself a home. I have started to see myself for who I really am, and the infinite potential that glistens when I gaze deep within. I am forgiving myself, and everything that has ever hurt me. I have felt ashamed of the burdens I bear, the weight I carry. But I have also carried the pain of others. I have felt suffocated under the weight of needing to apologise for who I am, for who I can’t be, and for the pain I’ve held on to. But I am finally salting the bullet wounds. I know that forgiveness is my ticket to freedom.
I am beginning to carve my own path, one without fear or doubt. One with relentless determination, freedom, and infinite potential. I am no longer apologising for my absence, for the times I get lost deep within myself. Because I know now, of the beauty and necessary gifts that it brings. Without it, I wouldn’t be me. And being me, is something I am never again going to apologise for.
So while I move forward, I know I may fall. I know I may feel that tug again and hear the calling to retreat, to step back and search for the answers hiding within. But where I go, I know I’ll land with the certainty that I am always exactly where I am supposed to be. That there will always be answers hiding within the depths of the unknown. That to surrender is to find freedom. And I will always be here to listen to that voice.
When I began these self-conversations they stirred an immense sense of gratitude within me. And I am so grateful to you, reading this, for staying by my side through the continuous cycle of change these past years have brought. Thank you for not giving up on me, for continuing to support me and my ever-evolving visions. Thank you for embracing my flaws, holding me up when I’m down, and understanding that we’re all human. Thank you for listening to these conversations and holding space for my words. Thank you for dreaming with me, laughing with me, and walking this path with me, hand in hand ready for each big leap. I never forgot about you. I’ve been renovating the inner interiors of my mind, creating untamed landscapes and carving up big new adventures. I’ve been doing all of the inner work so that I can give back all of the dreams and visions that have been inspired in me. I want to be the best that I can be in this world. And as I am beginning to learn every day, sometimes that comes from the art of stepping back and facing the inner fires that need to be tamed. From listening to the whispers that envelop an empty mind.
m.a