Ep.5 The Beginning Of A Conversation

Chapter 27 Week One.

In beginning this journey I have faced a lot of realisations and insights into not only who I have tried to be over these past few years, but who I truthfully want to be. It was only once I began to heal and look at my life for what it really was that I saw how much damage I had done to my sense of self. I told myself a lot of lies over the years to cope with the pain I carried. But one of the hardest truths for me to accept was that I had simply fallen out of love with everything. My work, my passions, my direction, any sense of who I was. Somewhere along the way I had lost it all. And for a long time, I did everything I could to avoid having that conversation. I was scared that without the facade of clarity I had pulled over my eyes, I would have nothing left to keep me going. So it was easier to pretend. To pretend I was okay, to pretend I wasn’t crumbling, that I felt a sense of purpose when more than ever I felt overwhelmingly lost beneath the surface.

But in the beauty of this lies the gift of reinvention. What I failed to see in the depths of my despair was the art of getting lost, the space it opens up. The blank canvas I couldn’t see but one that is full of potential and hope. And so, in beginning this journey and holding myself accountable to the rules I’ve set for the next 365 days, my first step forward was having this conversation.

And it went a little like this:

A Whisper Of The Lessons That Envelop An Empty Mind
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I sat with myself this week and truly listened. To the good, the bad, the hurt and pain, and also the love and light coming to life within me. I’ve been so excited to start this chapter, fuelled by a vision of the future I can’t quite see yet, but one I know feels big and bold. And this project feels like the catalyst, a bridge between where I’ve been and where I want to go. There are still so many questions I have for myself that are unanswered, so many things that need clarity. But by allowing myself to open up and listen, I feel held by a presence within me I know will carry me forward. Through this chapter and the next.

But what I’ve learned so far? I’m still in the depths of the wild unknown. There are still parts of me stumbling blindly, learning and growing with each turn. There are still fears waiting to be tamed and doubts trying to surface. But it is here in the tangles of this unknown that I am planting the seeds for change. And I can already tick off a few rules:

I began the first week of chapter 27 embracing adventure. I woke up to the sun rising over the lake on my first solo trip since my health troubles began. I explored, swam in the sea, soaked up the sun, and felt myself coming alive. When I returned home I committed to change and threw out the pages of my routine and started fresh. I watched the sunset every evening and listened to the sounds around me. I have been playing music more, drawing, cold plunging, breathing, reading daily, diving deep into neuroscience, indulging my curiosity and learning about astro cartography, expanding my site and business goals, running, walking, and swimming. I’ve been developing the tools to create healthy communication and boundaries within myself so I can pour into the relationships around me. I’ve been moving every day, noticing my thoughts and embracing the highs and lows. I’ve challenged my confidence in unknown situations and started saying yes. I’ve learnt that pouring 100% effort into things looks different each day and that our capacity for things ebbs and flows like everything around us. But the intention is just as important as the outcome. I’ve been pursuing the road of finding purpose within myself and my life. I’ve taken responsibility for the reality I’m creating. I’ve been keeping my promises and setting intentions throughout my days. I’ve been stepping forward, cherishing my time, and most of all feeling grateful for the feeling of life I had missed for so long.

Within the threads of this week, I have also struggled with the state of my health. There have been bad days mixed in with the good that at times have caused me to stumble. When my symptoms flare up it becomes hard to see progress. On these days I feel frustrated and a little broken. But I am learning to manage each day as they come, making use of the tools I have to keep me afloat. Being patient with myself and my body, learning to understand its limits and what it really needs. And while it isn’t always easy, I can always see the light at the end I know is coming. And when it does, I am always ready to leap.

I am still consumed with the entanglement of both excitement and anxious energy. But it is all part of the experience because to feel too much is better than to feel nothing at all.

The start of this chapter has already been a ride, and I cannot wait to see where the rest takes me. The conversations are brewing, and the change is surfacing.

See you next week,
m.a