There have been days this month where I have felt like I failed in many ways. But the difference between this month and others, is that I’m not letting that stop me. Not becoming paralysed by a sense of failure has been a new feeling. One I haven’t truly felt before. And the sense of failure I have felt, is mostly because I lose sight of where it is I want to go. But I can’t forget the direction I’m taking, it’s not an option. And I didn’t enter into this lightheartedly. I am going to change my life this year.

Looking back on my first month, I can see a lot of the spaces I have filled. And I can see a lot of the gaps that are still empty, waiting to be explored. I’m feeling both the failure and the future in my grasp. This journey wasn’t about doing it all, it was about knowing I’m trying my hardest to do it all. I’m not giving myself the excuse of the easy way out anymore. Because I’ve coasted through life for too long. And it’s time to punch it in the face and wring it for all it’s worth.

In doing this, there is one giant obstacle that has the potential to tear it all down. My fear. 

As hard as I might try, there are only so many places you can go within the cages of your own fear. And the scopes I want to travel require a brutal escape. A relentless determination to push past the walls, tearing them down layer by layer. So it is here where fear becomes an ultimate pursuit. A path to freedom.

I will change my life. There is no other option. And this is how I’m going to do it this month.

In the next 30 days, I’m going to be breaking some unofficial rules. Firstly, to remind myself that I am not the limitations I perceive in my mind. Secondly, because I need to step outside of my comfort zone once in a while so it doesn’t shrink back to the tiny cage I’ve been trapped in these past few years. 

And breaking the rules I set myself out of fear of the unknown is a good place to start. Throwing away the need for order and certainty and embracing whatever lies ahead. Chasing the fear and the opportunity for failure in pursuit of a brand new canvas.

These are the fear chronicles. A series of instances in my chase towards tackling the insurmountable fears in my life.

A moment that changed my pursuit of fear was this video about the four types of people within comfort zones. The first type views their comfort zone as a concrete wall — with the physical impossibility of stepping outside of it. The second type envisions their comfort zone within a barbed wire fence — you can attempt to climb outside of it but with serious risk. The third type views their comfort zone with mesh fencing — with the right amount of effort you can rip it apart. The fourth type views their comfort zone as expanding air — as you step outside of it, you get more air, and more space to move.

There’s only one option that sounds worth the pursuit. One option that allows you to move through life in an upward motion. Seeing your comfort zone as a bubble of expanding air opens up an entire world before you. You are no longer shackled by the impossibility of moving through it. You begin to thrive on fear and the opportunity of failure. On discomfort and exhaustion. Because you know that is here where you find growth. 

So this is where my compass is headed for the next few months. Towards facing the fears that have been holding me back. My fear of vulnerability, of letting people see the parts of me I keep buried within. The fear of other opinions, perspectives, and scopes that might not align with my own. Because, after all, this is my life to live. And I’m the only one that can do it. 

So let’s face it. 

m.a